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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.